dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
