P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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