just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
