Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
