I wish I could teleport
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
