the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Success! We fucked roommates!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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