there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
