She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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