Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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