His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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