i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
