My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
