there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
