dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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