she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
