Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
