my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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