I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
BRING THE BAGELS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
