ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
