Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
