There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
