We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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