Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
