Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
