Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
