Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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