too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
