im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
