I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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