Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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