Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
