A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
