I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
