Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
