living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize