I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
