It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
