Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky š
Fine Iāll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut Iām gone
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him āBeast Modeā. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
