I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
