You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I wish you could order shots online.
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He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
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I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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