I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
