that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
