just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
