I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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