GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
