I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
