Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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