i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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