The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize