I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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