He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
