If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize