She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
