The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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