I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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